“Holding on to life you’ll lose it; letting go of life you’ll find it” struck me funny this morning. It’s like this: “Holding on to Mom I’ll lose her; Letting go of her I’ll find her.”
Mom’s dementia is progressing, and she is not the person she used to be, however, I’m at a point accepting it, and by doing so enjoying her company all the more. I can’t explain it, but this much I know: it’s very freeing. At various times she has addressed me as a friend of Evelyn’s. She asked me on one occasion, after telling her that I live in Arizona, if I knew Evelyn, because her daughter Evelyn lived in Arizona. I jumped on the bandwagon and answered, yes, I knew her well. And then we proceeded to talk about me in the third person.
Then, a few days later, she told me she had a strange dream the other night where she met a doppelganger Evelyn. All of a sudden it dawned on me. She had trouble recognizing me because in her mind I existed in my younger version. I have aged and consequently, I don’t look the same. So I said to her: “You dreamed of a doppelganger Evelyn because I have changed.” She looked at me then and said in her dry German way: “Yeah you’ve gained weight!”
It was hilarious.
The other day my mother and I were spending some time in the pool, in my brother’s backyard. We were like little kids. I acted like this White Shark from the blockbuster movie and imitated the music associated with the shark approaching for its next kill. We were screaming and laughing. My brother videotaped some of the pool fun.
I’m not young anymore. My looks have changed, and honestly, I still have a hard time accepting it, but strangely enough – letting go of my Mom’s earlier version has helped me letting go of my earlier version.
Letting go helps! We get unstuck. Turns out, “Letting go and letting God” is no empty byword at all. It represents a life style that leads to peace.